tired and confused

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It’s not so much that I’m confused, it’s that I’m mostly tired. Tired of trying to hang on and to get through to others and to continue to want them in my life when people are bent on the idea that I’m just simply to weird to be allowed.

A coworker was recently adopted or is in the process of being adopted by the boss and I’m glad for them. They needed a family as much as that family wanted them to have one so they were perfect for each other. Now they travel together, have family events, go to church together and even live together part time and I can see how much they love each other. I wanted to have  some love for me too but it’s not going to happen.

I was to confused about something that had happened in some dreams of mine and wasn’t sure of the correct way to interpret it and got the wrong answer. The adopted one used that against me and it destroyed what could’ve been a wonderful friendship. No hugs or being held for me, they all go to the young person who just got adopted. Don’t get me wrong, they need and deserve those hugs and kisses and being held and told what a valuable person they are, I feel the same about myself as well; I need all those same things but I don’t get them.

Part of what is wrong with me is that I internalize to much. I open up the most with my journal and on the internet with people who can not tell me from adam/eve. This for me is easiest because anyone online can judge me through the internet but can’t put a name or face to the concept they are judging and I don’t have to see them give me looks of derision or avoid me in person.

I’m an introvert who doesn’t always see things the same way as everyone else and rarely opens up because of how badly I’ve been damaged in everyway. I’ve gotten better at not allowing myself to feel bad for not being like others but it still hurts.

Now to try and avoid people in public I’ve started my own personal campaign. I’ll alter my appearance so that when in public I’m not likely to be noticed. I’ll wear the plainest and simplist of clothes and make my makeup clean looking without standing out. I’ll be socially invisible. No one will notice me because I won’t dress to be noticed. I’m tired of the pain but it’s easiest to deal with the pain I inflict on myself than to try and deal with or defend myself from what others do, often on purpose and justified in their own minds.

 

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