Never Mind, It Doesn’t Matter

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I wish I could cry in public like I can in the bathroom, even there I have to make my tears silent. There’s so much that hurts my heart and no one I feel like I can talk to about it. I’ve closed my tongue off to others ears because their hearts aren’t what receives the message; their predetermined fallible logic as was decided by someone with more money than me do. I won’t deal with it.

I’ve dealt with misunderstanding dreams about whether I had the hots for someone I wanted to have as a friend who means a lot to me now but won’t have anything to do with me. I’ve dealt with people who expect absolute flexibility of me but won’t allow me to expect that of them. I don’t make or keep friends easily but everyone seems to think that all I have to do is open up to others and I’ll have friends; that’s not how thing work, it’s how they break, it’s how I was broken by others. The judgments whether fairly or or unfairly passed I live with the verdicts decided by others but rarely relayed to me through any form other then absolute exclusion and derision.

I’m sad but there’s nothing I can do about it.

So sad.

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