Getting extra hours at work can be nice, especially when you need the money and when you don’t have to work the same days and hours as your crush. Why is it nice not to work the same hours as your crush? Because it hurts to know that if they knew they would not only get angry but they might have me fired for it so that they don’t have to worry that I’ll get out of control.
A few years ago I fell in love with the impossible; I fell for someone who is unattainable not just because they are already married but of my same gender. I tell myself that it is more than enough to be able to still work with them and see them and that we can say hi and enjoy being around each other but some part of me is worn out. Not just from a one-sided romance but from the fact that I think they know and are just patiently waiting for me to finally leave and not come back. Why else would they make sure that the only time they speak to me or allow me on the schedule is when they aren’t there? It’s not a difficult concept, it’s how it is and I’m tired.
Truth be told, I’m grateful to have known them and there are things that I’ve gotten that I’ve not gotten from others that I feel very strongly about. Pictures, pictures mean a lot to me because even after a person is long gone from my life if I have pictures I can look at them and remember the good and bad times without the images fading from my mind. Pictures are like puzzle pieces in a way, when the memory fades the pictures help fill them back in so they retain their clarity and shine. I don’t know if they know how many pictures I have but it’s nice to have a few, that’s really all I have. Just a few pictures and they mean the world to me. They don’t make the loving someone from one side feel any better but they’re nice to have and I’m grateful for that.
I recently put in an application to work full-time for someone else to help with letting go. If I get the job it’ll keep me busy enough that I won’t have to worry about them and if I do have time to visit the old workplace they won’t be there; I know their basic schedule so I won’t have to worry about accidentally surprising them. I will also have a very full schedule so I will earn more money and hopefully be able to move back to that tiny town and be able to live quietly with my tiny family and love from a distance in my heart without bothering anyone.
I love and miss you Rain, even when you’re right there I still miss you.