I have lately been feeling super depressed, not just down and out like I’m just a bit frustrated but the real drags you down and makes you feel like there’s no way out and like I might as well end it all because it’s not going to get any better kind of depression. I’ve taken medication for this before but it just temporarily messes with my hormones and other body chemicals, plateaus and then drops off as if it’s not there.
Part of what might be contributing to my depression is the fact that I’m planning a move and I’ve done this before and never succeeded, only failed in one of the worst ways possible; I had to go back to living with a narcissist who likes to control everything around them and is never happy unless everyone around them has to capitulate to their demands on every level. I have the Greyhound bus tickets and I’m thinning out my things so that I can try and bring only what will fit into a large box (to be shipped), a large suitcase (max 50lbs) and a small carry-on (max 25lbs). Literally everything else will have to go to thrift stores or be sold so that I can leave with nothing to have to deal with left behind.
With having to decide what stays and what goes, where my kid will go to school and where I’ll work, insurance for the two of us, food, furniture, clothes and more I’m having a bona fide panic attack over the situation but I refuse to give in. I’ve got the bus tickets, I’m in the process of the research and refusing to spend money that I don’t have to to get things done and I’m refusing to let the cat out of the bag so the the roommate doesn’t lose her crap BEFORE we go. She’ll hate it but I don’t care anymore, she’s caused to much trouble and even damage to us and this is how we are going to get away from it.
This is Anderson County South Carolina and that’s where we are going. We leave on May 30th and get there on June 2 just after noon. It’s one county over and south of where we lived last time but I think we can make it, not just physically there but that we can make a life there.
One of the things I’ve been doing to prepare myself and my kid is make a list of some of the things we want to do. He wants to go camping, fishing, hiking and have his birthday party with his friends who already live down there. I want to get there, get a job, sitter, a place, and make my home feel like a happy one for my handsome young prince. If possible I would love to have a garden and see what I can do about starting my own little photography business. I do also plan on taking him fishing like he’s asked for so that he can have that experience; all boys should have the experience of going fishing and trying to catch something.
With my anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD acting up it’s really hard to feel like I can do anything because all those problems literally have a way of paralyzing your emotions and ability to act. I can do this, I know I can.