Todays date is Friday, February 10, 2017 and I have a lot on my plate.No I’m not talking about the food in the picture, more the hypothetical plate called life. I’m planning a move with a child while looking for work and babysitters and education and, and, and…
It’s a bit overwhelming to try and take on full responsibility for life when you feel like you’ve spent your whole life being told to make something work you just do it and we know how independent you WANT to be and then pin you under a figurative rock so that you’re not allowed to do anything that someone else doesn’t want. At the same time you’re told that something didn’t work because you either weren’t trying hard enough, didn’t do it right, or that it just wasn’t meant to be. Very convenient for the person who doesn’t want someone to have a success that they aren’t comfortable with or might pull that person away from them.
Yes, I’m bitter about a lot of things that have happened in life but, part of the attitude that people feel I fling in their face without provocation is highly provoked.
I couldn’t get a job unless I had the money to pay for transportation but was never given the money I needed to make the purchase of the transportation in order to get the job. Unless I had the money I couldn’t buy so much as a bicycle to get to a job but I was expected (despite the closest place I could’ve worked being 6 miles away) to do it all myself. This might shock people, but that doesn’t work. At the same time I wasn’t allowed to just walk to a job partly because of the distance and “it’s to dangerous” but no one ever had the time to take me to a job or “those are not appropriate hours” or “that’s to late to be out”.
It’s a job. No one gets anywhere in life by just sticking to what will only operate within a certain set of hours appropriate to someone else’s schedule. Yes, the place I used to live was dangerous but there’s one problem to not going out because it’s a rough neighborhood and staying out late trying to earn the money that would help me to get out. YOUR’E TRAPPING ME IN THAT HELL!!!! You can’t go anywhere if you don’t just go! I’ve lost track of the number of times that I dreamed of just running away but was held down by the fear, anxiety and panic bred into my very being by the family that knew so much more and better than me about what was right for me.
Today I’m nearing 40 and still unable to provide for myself. The only way I’m going to be able to break that chain is to take some of the boldest action of my entire life. I’m just going to have to go; this time when I go I have a child with me who still believes that Mommy doesn’t get lost and is the rock of the universe. I have to be tougher than diamond under the most intense pressure I’ve ever been under in my life because he is my universe.