Love is a Vicious Cycle

I have a game that I like to play with my kid, it’s the I Love You game.

Game:
Me:Honey, who’s Mommy’s favorite person?

Kid: Me

Me:Do I make you feel loved?

Kid:Yes

Me:Good because I love you.

Me:Who’s your favorite person?

Kid:You

Me: Do you love me?

Kid:Yes

Me: Can I hear it?

Kid:I love you

Me: Aww, I love you too

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My kid had a hard time getting up this morning and so when he’d had a couple of bites of breakfast but didn’t have his socks on I realized we were late for his bus, he was going to miss it. I told him “Sit back down and finish your breakfast, two bites is not enough for a growing boy.” He wanted a ride to school from his Auntie, I told him he would have to ask her to give a ride to school from so he did. She promptly started going at me about me needing laundry soap, I already knew I needed some but decided I wasn’t going to let her take me to the store for anything. Every time I go to the store with her there’s always some disagreement and drama that wasn’t necessary and could’ve been prevented so I said no. I let her take us to school but the drama began before we even left the apartment, potentially spawned by my refusal to go to the store with her.

I started to play our I love you game getting in the car and Auntie yelled at me to just get in the car if I’m going. I sort of went into shock and it pissed me off. I get in the car and as we start to head off I start the game again and she yells at me again not to do that. I asked

“Whyyyyy?”

She was quiet about a minute and then tells me that she’s been reading about manipulators and abusers lately and that it’s all really bad.

“What’s that got to do with telling someone you love them?”

She didn’t answer but continued to drive to the school. I kept looking at her out of the corner of my eye. I could see that she was pissed off but not why playing the I Love You game would do that to anyone. On the radio (which she didn’t normally have on) the song Pave Paradise, Put Up a Parking Lot was playing and I briefly thought about how she didn’t seem to have any idea that my kid and I would be leaving at the end of the school year for the other side of the country and how she was paving over the paradise of having my son nearby to love on and putting up a great vacant parking lot where he and I used to sit.

When we get to the school as we are getting out she says,

“Words without action are trite.”

Sage words that are very true in many cases but, I don’t know if she’s aware of this but I’ve got a lot of action going on right now. I’m possibly getting an apartment, looking into a new job, babysitters, where to get our supplies for food and clothes and more. I’m even looking into a religion for us both. I’ve got a lot of action going on right now, she clearly isn’t aware of it.

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After we got out of the car, it may be from the incident with the Auntie or that we were getting closer to the other kids who could see that he had his Mommy with him he dropped my hand and wouldn’t give me a big hug or a kiss. I did tell him that I loved him and had him say that he loved me back. Poor kid is caught in the middle of the drama between his Auntie and me.

language, vicious circle (600pix)

This is literally our life right now and I hope to put a stop to it by getting us out of here in just over two months. I hope he can hold up with the fewest incidents and least amount of damage. There’s no way we can make it out without some kind of drama and continued trauma but I won’t allow it to continue.

I told two of my friends about the situation and they were appalled by it. One person who heard the story suggested that my Auntie I was trying to manipulate my kid and that she probably feels that I’m trying to teach my kid that he’s only allowed to love me and nobody else. Umm, no, I’m not doing that. He’s allowed to love his Auntie, and the neighbors and other people. I don’t tell him that he can’t have anything to do with her and stuff like that. To do so would be manipulative and vicious but I want him to feel good feelings towards all people. I don’t love her and can’t love her at this point but I don’t want my kid to not feel like he can’t have feelings for other people because that would in fact be a form of abuse. I feel that the kind of life I’m temporarily in would be what’s keeping me trapped in this vicious cycle and that it’s a form of abuse and I will stop it.

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Just over two months and the previously unattainable will be attained on some level.

 

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