Five whole days

I broke away from the narcissist five days ago.

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Five whole days. She had seen some of the signs that it was coming but at the same time hadn’t seen it coming. It was amazing and at the same time I was scared out of my mind. I had panic attacks and anxiety issues for hours afterwards. Each email I got from her for the first four days would send me to the restroom because the contents of my bowels had turned to liquid.

A lot of people are under the impression that when you escape something horrible that you literally leap for joy and are fine again.cd7a33ce0d2d56b95a6f9098b79506b0

This is not how thing happen. My kid and I were in shock, then there’s the anger and frustration. The person who helped rescue us don’t understand the level of control over a person a narcissist has. My mind kept telling me that if I was quick enough that my narcissist wouldn’t notice and that we could go back to what we were before and I would go to South Carolina later and there not be a problem. Reality says otherwise.

First thing the narcissist did was try to find me at work with a toy for my kid, an obnoxious whistle that I have no intention of going to back to pick up. I left all of his toys except a few stuffed toys and only the clothes that I had bought for him. This means that I had to buy him new underwear and socks and pajamas.

Second thing they did was leave a note for my boss at my job stating that I had “left for parts unknown”. My boss and several coworkers tried to implore with me to go back and at least talk to her. I refused.

Third, they came back repeatedly demanding the keys to the apartment that I had vacated and had emailed me twice. They were effectively turning everyone who had been on my side against me or at least managing to use their ignorance of narcissism against all of us. They had my coworkers claiming that she was going to call family services on me if I didn’t. For that to work she has to know where I’m at. The idea that my friend who rescued me had, that I get a restraining order on her, she would have to know where she’s not allowed to go and that would tell her where I’m at. It was suggested from multiple angles that I mail her the keys, that would give her a post mark and she’d know from the post mark where I was and could find me with the help of that.

The third email they sent me came yesterday stating that they had changed the locks and boxed up all of my belongings. They said that I would have to speak to the landlady about getting back in to get the belongings. For those who don’t know this is another form of fishing, an attempt to find out where I’m at so that they have a general physical point to refer to to start physically searching for me.

I get anxious thinking about going to another state but I get anxious thinking about staying. I’ve already proven that I have to password lock my kid at school because she tried to go to the school to pick him up after I’d told her not to do that. I honestly believe, and another one of my friends agrees with me, that she would try to kidnap my kid and use her education and pristine looking background to brainwash a courtroom into giving her custody of my kid. I don’t trust staying near her.

I think I’ll go to another state for a few months and then maybe come back. I like the idea of going away for the summer every year until she is no longer a danger. How will I know when she’s no longer a danger? Here’s how, when she passes away and can no longer pose a risk to anyone else, that’s how. I won’t do anything to help her with that but I wouldn’t cry if it happened.

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I already had anxiety and mild PTSD when I moved in with them about ten years ago, now I have a nasty case of anxiety/panic disorder and moderate/severe PTSD. I’m afraid of leaving the neighborhood and don’t like to have to use public transportation. I easily get rude with people and always feel like I’m making excuses to try and keep away from going somewhere I am not familiar with or didn’t feel helped the first time. I want to move across country so that I’m no where near the narcissist and they can’t get to my child. I fear everyday that I’m within the same state lines and don’t know what else to do. I go numb and get sick at the idea of her and yet I think of her often wondering if and when she’s going to email me again since she doesn’t have my phone number or know where I’m at. She’s a professional manipulator and loves to mess with peoples minds.

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People keep telling me, “it’s over, you’re free, don’t think about it, she can’t control you anymore” and stuff like that. They don’t know how wrong they are. She still has a hold of at least part of my mind and that of my child. It’s looking less difficult for my child because he appears to be bouncing back more and more as each day passes.  Someday I hope to be totally free of the narcissist and when that happens I can be truly happy.

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