Every day is a battle of memories vs the here-and-now. I constantly find myself comparing what I’m doing to what I used to have to deal with and how “At so-and-so’s I would’ve been told this” or “They would require this” or “They would’ve done this” and so on. The recovery process of dealing with the residual residue leftover after getting away from a narcissist I’ve heard referred to as “the grieving period” which sounds odd yet accurate at the same time. I’m not upset that they’re gone but they are continuously on my mind taking up precious space in my mind and memory. Now they are taking up space in my blog but only as a way of venting and trying to straighten out my senses so they make sense again. Not for the narcissist to make sense but my own senses to make sense.
When one spends to much time with the narcissist you find yourself unwillingly drinking in the poisons that they so freely offer you in some form or another. Now that I’m away from them my mind has to detox, to rid itself of the toxins that have been polluting it for ten years. Yes, ten years. The narcissist sent me an email telling me that I was a hero in the eyes of one of my cousins. If there is any truth in that then I’m glad because I didn’t feel heroic when I grabbed my kid, a few boxes and left the apartment for the last time with my heart in my throat and his hand in my hand.
I try not to dwell on the possible response the narcissist would’ve had upon finding out that the mouse had gotten away while she was putting her best face forward for the people she was going to use to help steal my kid away. What the look on their face would’ve been upon entering the apartment after I’d gone. My bed stripped, all my pictures removed including the one on display in her room of my kid, valuables gone (except for the ones that she’d bought), the toilet not flushed and all the doors locked. I wanted the message to be clear, “I’ve cleared out and I’m never coming back.” I hadn’t touched much of what had been in the room my kid had used; I only took from my kids room the things I had purchased and some of his soft toys that she’d spent a lot of time over the years trying to teach him weren’t good enough. She’d even tried to give them away but I always managed to find them before she could get rid of them. I even stored them myself so as to make sure that they were ready when we ran for it.
My kid keeps vacillating between wanting to go back and wanting to leave the state. He even frequently appears to slip into a depressive state so I try to cheer him up. Poor little wonder, she did things to his mind that no one should have to endure or deal with. His little mind is doesn’t know how to take all this and process it. For him he probably feels like mommy has taken him away from a good thing and he doesn’t understand; I wouldn’t expect someone at his age to understand what has happened, it’s a lot for even me to try and deal with.
Today I went and applied for a job at a local store. I have an interview for tomorrow so it looks promising. With this I plan on having at least a summer job, possibly more if the job works out to the favor of all of us. Today was the sixth day after running away and things are really looking up. I even got myself a pair of pants and shirt for the interview tomorrow so that I will look nice. This has been an amazing week.