From the Inside

Inside my head I want to scream. I hadn’t realized how badly I wanted to act out because I’d been masking it even from myself. Then I started to try and shake up my salad and began to complain outloud and realized how badly I wanted to smash things and scream.

Hi, I have anxiety, ptsd, disassociative disorder, panic attack disorder and Aspergers (also known as ASD, Autism Spectrum Disorder/condition, high functioning Autism) and mild dyslexia. I need to be able to have an ESA (Emotional Support Animal) but my roommate says she would move without warning effectively leaving me and my Autistic son homeless and without childcare which in turn leave me unemployed (legally a form of neglect and abandonment). Life is a blast everyday whether I like or want it to be or not.

This morning I got yelled at and cussed at in Spanish by a customer who demanded that I learn to speak spanish and had shopped at my location many times but pretended that he didn’t have to push the print button if he wanted a printed receipt. I will not be yelled at or cussed out because you are having a hard time coping with your own life. So I told him I will not be yelled at and he had no right to demand that I learn to speak any language that is not my own. This riled me up so bad my neck and back hurt from the stress of dealing with an enraged male who refused to be placated. Add to that the fact that I now know my employer would accommodate me having one by allowing the ESA to be legally listed as an employee and given their own vest. I love my job even more now for that and loath my roommate even more for taking advantage of all of this because I know she knows all of this, my diagnosis and everything.

I feel like smashing things, slamming things, breaking things, slamming my hands on things and screaming. My brain is overloaded with bad memories and invented scenerios that I can’t control. I’ve even started speaking out loud and not even realizing it until someone says something to me. I accidentally said “F-ing Tw@t” in front of a coworker and hadn’t even realized it until he said back to me what I’d said. I still have no memory of having said that but I believe him. He was previously in the military so the mouth didn’t shock him, the fact that I said it in front of someone surprised me and that I have no memory of doing that kind of scares me. Could I possibly have tourettes? I don’t know.

All this and I’m only half way through lunch, yikes.

Time to take a deep breath and try to destress in the remaining time I have before going back to deal with the masses. Good thing it’s Sunday and we don’t have as many people as we do during the rest of the week.

Life as an Autistic introvert with all else that I have going on is a lonely life. Being a single Autistic parent with an autistic child can be even lonelier especially when denied what I need to feel closer to being whole and functional. I want to take off the mask and be able to be seen for who and what I really am but people don’t realize or believe the effects of how they respond are hurtful and even extremely damaging. As long as I have reason to feel that I should fear removing the mask I will wear it, exhausting as it is.


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