unhinged for the moment

For just a moment today I had a short anxiety attack and then started having an anxiety attack over my response.

Earlier a young man, who by definition is the A-typical narcissistic jerk who likes to taunt and irritate someone who they feel should feel gratified to receive their attention in the first place came to my register. He then proceeded to be his usual self with one extra detail, he smelled like he’d had sex with some unwashed whore. Then he was loud and obnoxious with the others who were there which overwhelmed my senses. I’m sensitive to high pitched sounds and when sounds create a cacophony effect so it shook me pretty bad, enough so that I forgot how to control my mouth and loudly complained to a coworker after the idiot left and I completely made them feel uncomfortable. I then felt like an absolute jerk for not being able to stop my mouth. The look of shock on the co-workers face while I was speaking spoke volumes but I couldn’t control my mouth, I was so shaken and unhinged I couldn’t control the need to blurt it all out. I think it was partly because I needed someone to tell me that yes, he’s revolting and should’ve had the decency to shower before coming out and inundating another human being whom he knows doesn’t like him with his presence and attitude. Thankfully the coworker claimed he had something else to do and grabbed a nearby coworker to take with him. I am super upset with myself and my behavior and not being able to feel like I could control my response and that I wasn’t able to feel validated in my own feelings. My response to the antagonist could very well get me fired because the coworker could probably feel as if I’d just sexually harassed him even though that is definately not my intentions. I felt assaulted, my mind and my senses, by the idiot who likes to come in and harass me. He’s been coming through since summer time and he’s come through my register as many as three or four times in a shift and I feel targeted by him.

As for my coworker, I am deeply sorry for my behavior. I’m grateful that he made such a graceful exit. I’m still emotionally shaken by the guy who likes to be so revolting towards me. I’m so sorry for the coworker feeling assaulted by my insecurity I really am.

I have anxiety, panic attacks, ptsd, disassociative disorder and I’m autistic. I’m not sure if that’s why the one guy is so overwhelming or just part of it. I now have a nasty headache and will need to put my head down for a bit.

Since the incident I have spoken to a few coworkers who have sworn that if the guy comes back through and I feel the need I just page overhead for them and they will come running to help me.

Here’s hoping I don’t get fired.

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