depression and obesity

I’ve been slowly killing myself over the last ten years. So many things have gone into the breaking of me that I’m not sure how to explain it. Really, over the course of my lifetime I’ve dealt with problems stemming from mental health issues (anxiety, depression, panic attacks, disassociative disorder), learning difficulties related to my being autistic, stress of being a single parent, natural aging process which doesn’t always process well, just being alone and living with a narcissist and I have a really bad diet so I’m almost literally suffocating myself with fat cells.

On the outside I look normal to most people, a bit chubby some might say and definately busty but otherwise most people wouldn’t (at least to my face) call me fat, though the medical professionals all have me on the charts as being morbidly obese. Naturally I have a very small frame, I shouldn’t be more than 130lbs to be healthy and yet I’m about 200lbs. I need to literally lose about 80lbs to be able to feel as healthy as I need to and to be able to properly deal with the health issues I have. Over the last ten years my diet has taken me on a high speed race down a fat track that has left be breathless if I move quickly and often feeling like I might be on the verge of a stroke which in turn gives me anxiety and panic attacks over what might happen to my kid if I died. If I were to die what would most likely happen would be:

my parents would have the legal right to name the father of my kid

my kid would then be given to his biological father who would allow his perverted wife to be his primary caregiver (his biological father can be described in four words, pedophile, swinger, trafficker, and autistic) I believe his father is an undiagnosed autistic. the wife of my kids father is also autistic (and a swinger and prostitute) and so is their daughter.

my son may become suicidal because of the kinds of things I believe he would be made to witness and possibly even do

The only way to prevent this from happening is just not to die. I can’t help myself not to die if I’m morbidly obese and having difficulty running a few feet at a time without my heart rate just about jumping out of my chest or passing out because my blood-pressure shoots up and threatens to have me go through a heart attack or stroke. I have to lose weight and I need to do it now. My biggest obstacles are my diet, stress, sleep, the fact that I’m already obese and depression.

While I did about three to four minutes of workout this morning I need to do it more often and longer to be able to get rid of the deadly fat impacting my organs and life.

I challenge myself to change my life, lose weight and improve my mind and life skills. This is as much for my son as it is for me.13692672_1146154335407186_6988031128839815669_n

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