My Anxiety, Apples

For those not already familiar with me I will introduce myself. I am an Aspie single parent of an aspie boy child and I also have anxiety, ptsd, dissociative disorder and ADHD. My child shows symptoms of the anxiety and ADHD as well.

There are no known textbook triggers for anxiety. If you check a medical dictionary they will not have a comprehensive list of this is a guaranteed trigger so if you see or hear or smell or feel this according to this clinic you or this other person are about to have an anxiety attack. Anything can serve as an anxiety trigger. Sometimes it can be the sight of a photograph of someplace you’ve been to once that had a traumatic moment, sometimes it’s mishearing something, sometimes something having a different texture than you’d anticipated and sometimes it just happens and you have no idea what or why.

This morning I had an anxiety attack over the sight of an apple in a plastic box. Sound odd? Let me walk you through this idea of the apple in a plastic box creating a lengthy anxiety attack that will probably stay with me for the rest of the day. Apples are a food sensitivity/allergy for me. I have maybe a piece of apple the size of my thumb nail (my nails are rather small) and I will be in bed with really painful cramps and completely exhausted for the better part of the next day until I’m able to finally relieve my system of any remaining traces of it. I’ve also had the misfortune of people picking up random trash and shoving it into my bad swearing it was mine because they swear up-and-down that they saw me drop and therefor know that it’s mine. The fact that it’s not mine is not they’re problem and if they acknowledge that it might not be mine they refuse to take it back and tell me to deal with the garbage. To go along with this I was already uptight because my kid was uptight because we were late leaving to get him to the bus stop to send him to school. All this together is a huge recipe for me to have a nasty anxiety attack at the sight of someone else’s garbage (which happens to have my food allergy of apple in it) laying at the bus stop. I fled the scene with images of different times when people had basically attacked me over garbage that wasn’t mine and intermingled with recent nightmares of people whom I’ve never met giving me a hard time and other mentally grinding images of anger and anxiety. Less than an hour later I’m at work and need to be able to focus and yet I can barely get it together enough to operate my combination lock to get my vest for work out.

After starting to work at least half of my customers had their snark on max and I really just want to pitch a huge fit, scream for a bit and then go back to bed.

I would bet that part of my problem is the need to be completely ready to go to my youngest brothers wedding on the other side of the country and to finally finish getting ready for the move so that I can spend the rest of the time just trying to calm down before the move to Mississippi. The wedding is in five days and the move is in roughly a month. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted and pissed and still dealing with the narcissistic roommate. Also I’m worried about the future roommate, my oldest brothers ex-fiance as I’m hoping that things go well there because I’m not sure about the move but I’m sure if I don’t move that things are going to get uglier here than they already are.

Just in case you can’t tell my situation is a really nasty case of sensory overload and I can’t afford to have a public meltdown.

On a good note I’ve managed to pay off a few debts in my name. I covered an overdue library fine that the library had said they would take care of because it’s not my fault that the magazines had gotten caught in the seams of the book drop. Also a nasty overdue school payment of over a thousand dollars. I’m going to see what I can do about getting settlement quotes from two banks that did me wrong and a school that had renegaded on their contract with me but their not going to admit that.

The banks are going to be more difficult to deal with, that’s just my personal experience, and I’m moving soon. There will be more apples and moments for anxiety where I move to, as long as there are people there will be plenty of opportunities for anxiety moments and panic attacks.

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